Being a mom is the most rewarding, confusing and scary job title I’ve ever had.
I wasn’t one of those girls who grew up knowing I wanted and needed to become a Mom. I never played with dolls and spent most of my free time playing outside or working on the farm. I loved the idea of a happy family but wasn’t sure if I could be a great mom. I’ve always placed too much self-doubt into my life but it was my babies that taught me the most amount of lessons about myself!
Hi! My name is Deanne, I am married to a 4th generation grain farmer in Central Alberta, am a mom to two amazing kids ages 6 & 5. As a mom I know my place and desire is to be the best mom I can be for my kids and I am now embarking on a new journey just for me and my self-care of rediscovering who I am through my blog.
When I became pregnant on our honeymoon, it was somewhat unexpected. We weren’t actively “trying” but we weren’t exactly doing anything to prevent it from happening.
As I mentioned above, I wasn’t even sure I would know how to be a mom – yikes (did that thought cross anyone else’s mind?) My husband on the other hand knew he wanted kids and lots of them. I also knew he’d be a great dad, heck like so many husbands he’s just an overgrown child himself somedays lol.
It took me 14 weeks to realize how desperately bad I wanted to become a MOMMY! This was the time when I found out I’d had a miscarriage.
I was devastated and in some ways believe I went into depression. It hurt, so bad, my heart still hasn’t completely healed. We were at the point where we were just starting to tell people and then found out it was over. So naturally, we had visits in the streets and acquaintances congratulating us, well that was awkward, “thanks but we lost it”. I felt it was better to stay home and not see anyone until our small town spread the news for me.
I am not one to stay down long, but try to find a reason or understanding that things happen.
I still don’t know why God didn’t grant me that baby, but I do know he made me see my desire to be a Mom and that I would do anything to make those dreams come true for myself and my husband.
It wasn’t easy when we decided to try for a second baby. By this I mean deciding was easy but actually getting pregnant was not. We were unfortunate to have another 2 miscarriages. We started the paperwork with adoption agencies and when all hope seemed lost I was finally able to get into a fertility clinic 2 hours away. This was 3 years from our first miscarriage. I had been poked at and gave so many blood tests I never imagined this would be our fate. Yet somehow I was excited that our luck might change.
With tests done at the Fertility Clinic, we were told the reasons we were having miscarriages was that for whatever reason I was young but running out of eggs. The doctor explained to us that as we get to the “bottom of our barrel of eggs” the less viable/healthy the eggs are. I’m no doctor but this seemed to make sense coming from an expert. This also meant the likelihood of early menopause was high.
Time wasn’t on our side. I was only 32!
We were successful on our first attempt at IUI (Intrauterine insemination). Although this is not the way we thought we’d be conceiving a baby, I am beyond grateful that this technology exists. It was the longest 37 weeks of my life, worrying that I’d have another miscarriage.
January 2014 – We were blessed with a healthy baby girl! My world changed and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be her Mommy! July 2015 – we were blessed with a baby boy! Yup, that’s right, we were able to conceive and carry full term without the help of a fertility doctor. The pregnancies were close together and the second unplanned but completely wanted and ecstatic about.
Losing those first 3 pregnancies, changed me forever. I was scared to talk about my miscarriages thinking others wouldn’t want to hear about it or that it was time for me to get over it. Grief is a personal journey and for some it’s private but for me, I felt better knowing I wasn’t alone. Other women had gone through similar situations.
My 3 angel babies taught me a few lessons I hadn’t realized about myself.
- I am a fighter – I wouldn’t give up on my dreams. I got knocked down and pulled myself back up – with the help of family and friends too of course
- I wanted to be a Mom and a nurturer
- I am an advocate and voice to end the stigma of miscarriage. It can feel like lonely grief when it shouldn’t! It is so common and voicing our experiences can help others heal.
Somedays I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when I’m short with my kids or don’t spend enough time playing with them. After all losing 3 must mean I should be so extra grateful to have these littles and spend all day every day soaking it all in right?! But the truth is, I’m still human and I do make mistakes, overreact and get mad too easily sometimes.
Being a mom is hard work,
no one ever said it would be easy, but the best things in life are worth working for and waiting for.
What were your experiences with your first pregnancy? Did you have any trouble conceiving or carrying? Have your babies taught you anything about yourself you weren’t aware of?
Let me know how motherhood has changed you!
Hi! My name is Deanne Olsen, I’m a small-town girl who grew up on a cattle ranch in Northern Alberta. I now live in Central Alberta with my husband who is a 4th generation grain farmer. We have two adorable kids, a girl(born in 2014) and a boy (born in 2015). The kids are 17 months apart and they are constantly asked if they are twins. I love all forms of art, being a farm wife and mother, and learning all types of new hobbies which are often self-taught. I was an avid 4H member for 9 years and their Motto is “Learn To Do By Doing”, and to this day I still believe this is the best way to learn.