By: Tanya-Marie Dubé
How To Learn To Deal With Rejection In Under 10 Minutes
I was talking with a friend today about this, and he was telling me of some issues that have arisen with his children as a result of his divorce and having gone down this road too, I felt like it was important to remind him of something. The only reason we ever get into victimization is because the idea of what we thought was supposed to happen or we thought it was supposed to look like came crashing down and the belief that what you are left with isn’t good enough.
Every single time I’ve ever led with my ego, the power hungry ego-control starts popping through, trying to manipulate the scenario to get the outcome I want in the moment. Don’t think for two seconds that I didn’t always get what I wanted. I did, but I pushed so hard for it that I always ended up with something I didn’t count on getting, which cost me so much. My marriage was one of those things. I fought tooth and nail for that relationship when all the signs were there that this relationship wasn’t aligned with both my path and who I was as a person in this physical world.
What about the job that I pushed for and pushed for instead of walking away and accepting that it wasn’t aligned? I ended up with a tyrannical boss and I was crying in the storage room every Monday morning. Didn’t I want that marriage? Didn’t I want that job? I thought I did, and if I had been more connected to what I’m here to do on this earth and knew my path, either of those things (and many other things) wouldn't have even been in my periphery. I have met oodles of people who have told me that they didn’t want to be [insert career path] but did it because that’s what their parents expected them to do. Or they didn’t want to let someone else down. Or, or, or...
When we come up against a wall, that’s a sign whether you want to take it or
not. That wall isn’t designed to see how badly you should push for something, that wall is designed to show you that the tools you have right now aren’t working for what you’re trying to control. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have the thing, it means you have to uplevel your game. It means that you have to go inward to really assess who you are and whether or not you’re living in alignment with what you say you want. And is what you say you want a part of the old paradigm or the new one. Is what you’re asking for something that you used to want and thought you would always have, or is it aligned with the woman you are now and the direction you’re going in your growth and development? Remember that we get everything we want so be very careful with your thoughts and your energy, and be very intentional with the specifics of your desires.
Do you ever notice that when things are aligned, they work out? It’s like the waters have parted and it’s an open sky above and everything just fits perfectly? You get the job, the job pay increases, a once in a lifetime opportunity comes your way, the boy or girl you like likes you back, you’ve just made a new and amazing friend. Pay attention to that. Because the opposite is in stark contrast and is a clear sign from the universe that you’re not on your path, that you’ve fallen off course and that you’re paying attention to the wrong things. These
things are choices. Remember that.
So what is rejection? It’s a word to make you feel bad, that’s it. Remember, not getting what you thought you wanted is always a blessing. You have to start looking at it that way. Did you really, truly want the thing you can’t have right now? And what makes you think you’re ready? Is it an old thing you wanted but you’ve grown and evolved and now you’ve moved past that desire? I was talking about this with a bunch of friends on the weekend: do you know how many times I was meant to get to California to pursue acting but it never ever panned out. For one reason or another, I have been kept from that place and I have to look at it as a blessing. I don’t know what could have happened to me there but the universe kept it from being a possibility every single time. And some of those times I pushed hard for what I wanted and still, no. We have to pay attention to that. There’s a reason.
Anytime in my life something doesn’t work out the way I want it to, the very first
thing I do is turn it inward: what could I have done differently? Why did I say I wanted this thing if I wasn’t willing to work for it? What is stopping me from being my best in this area. How can I show up better for myself? What is my ultimate fear here? What is the opposite of that fear so that I can start working on that tool that I need to accomplish the goal? It’s this kind of introspection that keeps you out of what you have been conditioned to believe and into flow, the state that keeps you awake and aligned and intentional.
Make note of the word “intentional”. That’s what we want. When I was in the divorce world, an exercise I would do with women was to make a list of things they wanted to shift in the divorce process and to be very specific. It ranged from the kids being happy and at peace to specific things like how the house was to be split and all the assets. Ultimately, every woman I worked with wanted it to desperately stop and for the ex to make life easy for her and the kids. A very simple request. But when I asked, and remember that I had to put myself through this exact process as I was going through it, so when I asked how much of that work they were doing, they couldn’t give me an answer that would support getting the result they wanted.
It’s all fair to say that you want him to back down, but you have to ask if going for that house is really worth the attachment you have to the idea of the house if it’s
hurting you and he won’t budge because he’s just trying to hurt you. It’s fair to say that you want peace, but because you’re living in a fear vibration, you’re reacting and defending in a way that is very out of alignment with peace. We always have to take it inward.
When you make a list of all the things you want in a life partner and you’re certain that this is the only kind of partner for who you are right now, are YOU those things? Because you must be. Like attracts like. So the next time you find yourself in a relationship (friendship or intimate) that isn’t working, you have to turn that inward and ask what it is about you that needs to heal so that you don’t attract those kinds of people/situations to you. Are you living in alignment with what you say you want? When I say I want to be happy but I’m not doing all the things and not living in the feeling of what I want in order to support that desire, trust me when I say that I am drawing off the energy that underlies that desire, not the actions.
If I say I want to be rich, and I’m working away at building a business but under the surface I don’t really believe I can do it, guess what happens? You guessed it. I won’t achieve what I want because my belief and my energy is that it won’t work. This is why people don’t always get what they truly desire. But we always
get what we ask for. It all depends on where your energy lies. There is absolutely no room for ego.
Have all the belief in the world that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, and know that you’re the best for the job and that nobody will do it like you will do it - that’s belief. But ego is something entirely different when you take on rejection and need to keep pushing to prove that you’re stronger, smarter and better just to win and beat the other person. Choose to not take on rejection. Instead, perhaps do what I do, and see it as “not right now”. That’s how I look at the word no. It just means not right now. As I grow that might turn into something I truly don’t need or want any longer, but for right now, it just means that I don’t have the tools to fully take the thing on. And there’s no harm in injecting your personality and some charm and asking, “What do I need to do for you to say yes to me?” And then if it’s still in alignment, go do that thing.
By: Tanya-Marie Dubé - Born into the foster care system, living in eight homes by the age of two years old, and homeless on and off for six years from 12-18 years old, Tanya-Marie Dubé is a show host, a motivational speaker, published author and online educator. Tanya-Marie is trained and as a Results Life Coach with Tony Robbins' school Robbins-Madanes, and is certified as an Advanced Belief Clearing Practitioner. She has been coaching for 29 years with an educational background in psychology.
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