For centuries this has been a taboo topic. Thank goodness it's finally becoming more widely accepted to chat about sex, because, ladies...we have A LOT to learn! Things such as...is the G Spot real!?–Keep reading to find out!
May 28th is International Day of Action for Women's Health, and at Modern Match Lingerie, we are celebrating women's health for the entire month with a series of four interviews released throughout the month, covering various women's health issues.
For this interview we spoke with Naturopathic Doctor, and Sexual Health Disruptor, Dr. Jordin Wiggins of Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. Without further ado, let's talk sex!
Modern Match (MM): Low libido...we’ve all had it. You look at your partner, they look at you….it’s been over a week...you ask if they’d want to join you in getting it on...and they do!–but it has to be quick because they have to get back to watching Bridgerton on Netflix. What is low libido, what can impact it, and is there some sort of hack to learning to get it back?
Dr. Jordin Wiggins (Dr.W): I define low libido as a lack of interest in sex and intimacy – when you stop enjoying the sex you used to love or you start choosing to scroll through Instagram rather than connect with your partner.
If you find yourself thinking things like “I don’t care if I ever have sex again” or “I wish we were having sex like we used to”, you are probably experiencing low libido. This is where it gets tricky, because women have been taught that this is normal – we all stop wanting sex when we have kids, or when we’ve been in a relationship for a few years or when we turn 50 – but that’s not true.
You deserve to have a flourishing libido at any age or stage in your life. Libido and intimacy are complicated. Yes, for some women I work with, there is an underlying hormone imbalance that is impacting her desire for sex, but for the overwhelming majority of women I work with, low libido is a complex combination of beliefs, values, stress, relationship struggles, guilt and shame, boredom, miscommunications and a lack of accurate and personalized sexual health education.
There is help – you do not have to resign yourself to a life devoid of sex, and the key to finding your libido is living your life with pleasure. But it takes work, it takes work to unlearn old patterns, find out what you really want, take action and ask for it, and then do it again and again until you’re living your life with pleasure at the forefront. This is what I help women do to reclaim their libidos and find pleasure in everything along the way.
MM: Okay, let’s talk vaginas. Why is it that women have a hard time even looking at their vaginas, sometimes feeling ashamed, disgusted or uncomfortable at the idea of getting a good look, and how do we go about unlearning this feeling? How would our sex lives change if our relationships with our vaginas changed?
Dr.W: Let’s get into it. First of all, you are not alone if you feel uncomfortable getting comfortable with your vagina. As a doctor, I have had countless women ask me to tell them if they are “normal” or “look okay” and I have had women tell me they have never even seen their own vulvas. That’s another thing, we haven’t even been taught, the right language about our own bodies.
The part we look at is actually our vulva. The vagina is the inside, the canal, where babies travel down and where penis’ go during penetration. Sexual health education almost always does a dismal job of teaching us about our anatomy, so that is the first place to start, re-educating ourselves and calling our vulvas what they should be called.
Second, I’d like to point out that vaginal rejuvenation is one of the fastest growing cosmetic procedures worldwide. Women say that influence of media and negative sexual experiences such as comments from past partners are some of the reasons they get it done. We are getting it from all angles, from the media, from uneducated boys who think all vulvas look like they do in porn, from shame and embarrassment talking about it to our girlfriends. So, how do we combat this?
We start talking about it. We start naming it. We start teaching our sons and daughters the correct anatomical names, we start telling people “that’s actually not true” when they make incorrect and outdated remarks about women’s anatomy.
Here are some facts…
- All vulvas are different – they come in different sizes, shapes, colours, some are asymmetrical, some you can see the inner labia, some you can’t
- All vulvas are beautiful – tell yours you love her right now
- No, it doesn’t matter if you have an “outie” or an “innie”
- There is no such thing as a “loose” vagina and there is no way to tell how many people you’ve slept with or how many babies you’ve had – it was literally designed for those purposes
- If all the vulvas you are seeing in media and porn look the same, it is very likely it is because they have been surgically modified
MM: Okay, whoa! I had no idea that vaginal rejuvenation was a thing! Moving on to the Big-O! I know a lot of ladies are always wondering how they can improve their orgasms...what are your tips on how to have a mind blowing orgasm?!
Dr.W: Here are a couple of mindset shifts to remember when it comes to sex and orgasm…
Sex is not just penetration. Penis in vagina is only 1 way to have sex, but it is by no means the only way or the right way. In fact, only about 30% of women can orgasm from penetration alone, so 70% of women need a little something extra to get there…that is an overwhelming majority of women that require more than just penetration to reach climax. If you are relying mainly on penetrative sex and it just isn’t doing it for you, you are totally and completely normal, and in fact, in the majority. Talk to your partner about incorporating what you need to have your mind-blowing orgasm. Toys? Manual stimulation? Self-stimulation?
Mutual orgasm (reaching orgasm at the exact same time) is cool and looks really good in sex scenes on TV and in movies…but it can cause more harm than good. If you are constantly trying to reach orgasm at the same time as your partner because that is what sex is “supposed” to be like, take a step back. It is more important that you are enjoying the kind of sex you are having and not feeling pressures to orgasm at a precise moment. Nothing makes orgasm harder than stress and pressure.
MM: Oh my gosh! Yes, I seriously thought people were supposed to orgasm at the same time for the longest time!–I always felt bad when my partner and I didn't. For the ladies in their 20’s and 30’s and for those in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s...what is actually going on in our mid-life hormone transition?
Dr.W: This is a complicated one, and one that I go into significantly more detail in my book, The Pink Canary. Here are my tips for addressing underlying hormonal imbalances…
Find a health care practitioner that takes your hormonal concerns seriously. If you are being told that everything is “normal”, but you know there is something off or there has been a change, seek out a health care professional that wants your hormone levels to be optimal, not just good enough. They should know what to test, how to interpret those tests and how to treat them.
There are lots of options, from herbal remedies to bioidentical hormone replacement. The right health care professional will be able to find the answers you are seeking. I run an entire practice that focuses on women’s health and hormone balance. But, in my experience this is not the whole entire picture. I can balance a woman’s hormones, but if she has not addressed the mindset, emotional and relational aspects of sex and intimacy, her libido is not going to improve. This is why there is no successful “blue pill” for women.
MM: That's very interesting! I've really enjoyed this interview but we do have to wrap things up, is there anything else you’d like to add that might be an interesting tidbit of information?
Dr.W: Lack of pleasure is a health problem, not something to be ashamed of or pretend doesn’t exist. You deserve pleasure. You deserve to have mind-blowing orgasms, you deserve to want and enjoy sex. If you are looking for a community of like-minded women on then journey, join us in The Pleasure Mindset Bootcamp for the Pleasure Revolution.
As for whether or not the G Spot, aka Gräfenberg spot, is real...according to Healthline it is. However, not all women will necessarily find pleasure when stimulating the G-spot.
For more tips and tricks when it comes to sex follow Dr. Jordin Wiggins on Instagram.